[Home] [Headlines] [Latest Articles] [Latest Comments] [Post] [Mail] [Sign-in] [Setup] [Help] [Register]
|
Status: Not Logged In; Sign In
The Water Cooler Title: Redneck jokes You are a redneck, if... * You recycle your own toilet paper * Your mom has to shave more times a month than your dad * You see a bill board that says "Don't do crack" and it reminds you to pull up your pants. * You stare at a carton of orange juice because it says "concentrate." * Your bumper sticker reads: "One more Whore and We Get Gore." * The nativity scene you set up in your yard at Christmas includes two pink flamingos and baby Jesus lying in a painted tire. * Most of your teeth are on a chain around your neck. * You hunt from your bedroom window. * Your dad walks you to school because you're in the same grade. * You refrigerate your food stamps. * You use a 10 penny nail to pick your teeth after a night of road kill. * You have ever dressed your child as a "Snot-rag" for Halloween. * Your idea of a loaded dishwasher is getting your wife drunk. * You and your spouse get divorced and you are still relatives. * You go to your local ice cream store and order Copenhagen "sprinkles" on your cone. * You know instinctively that red wine goes with opossum. * You're always looking to find your Mother-in-Law's picture on the back of a milk carton! * The officer that just pulled you over asks if "you have any I.D."..and you respond "About whut?" * You take a beer to a job interview. * You are caught roll'n your trailer down the street to jump start the heater. * When you finish eatin' your bologna you use the rind for dental floss. * You go to Goodwill to meet women. * You and your friends are putting an engine in a pickup, drinking beer, and the conversation is: Which county jail has the best food! Fishing trip Two redneck guys go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment: the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. They spend a fortune. The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish. As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred dollars?" The other guy says, "Wow! It's a good thing we didn't catch any more!" Redneck in a bar A bartender was washing glasses one afternoon when an elderly Irishman came in. With great difficulty, the Irishman hoisted his bad leg over the barstool, pulled himself up painfully, and asked for a sip of Irish whiskey. The Irishman looked down the bar and said, "Is that Jesus down there?" The bartender nodded, so the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey, too. The next patron to come in was an ailing Italian with a hunched back, who moved very slowly. He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of Chianti. He also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus sitting at the end of the bar. The bartender nodded, so the Italian said to give Him a glass of Chianti, too. The third patron to enter the bar was a redneck, who swaggered into the bar and hollered, "Barkeep, set me up a cold one! Hey, is that God's Boy down there?" The barkeep nodded, so the redneck told him to give Jesus a cold one, too. As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman and touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Irishman felt the strength come back to his leg, so he got up and danced a jig out the door. Jesus touched the Italian and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Italian felt his back straighten, so he raised his hands above his head and did a flip out the door. Jesus walked toward the redneck, but the redneck jumped back and exclaimed, "Don't touch me! I'm drawing disability!" Valentines by a Redneck Kudzu is green, my dog's name is Blue And I'm so lucky to have a sweet thang like you. Yore hair is like cornsilk, a-flapping in the breeze. Softer than Blue's and without all them fleas. You move like the bass, which excite me in May. You ain't got no scales, but I luv you anyway. You're as graceful as okry, jist a-dancin' in the pan. Yo're as fragrant as SunDrop right out of the can. You have all yore teeth, for which I am proud; I hold my head high when we're in a crowd. On special occasions, when you shave yore armpits, Well, I'm in hawg heaven, I'm plumb outta my wits. And speakin' of wits, you've got plenty fer shore. 'Cuz you married me back in '74. Still them fellers at work they all want to know, What I did to deserve such a purty, young doe. Like a good roll of duct tape, yo're there fer yore man, To patch up life's troubles and stick 'em in the can. Yo're as strong as a four-wheeler racin' through the mud, Yet fragile as that sanger named Naomi Judd. Yo're as cute as a junebug a-buzzin' overhead. You ain't mean like no far ant upon which I oft' tread. Cut from the best pattern like a flannel shirt of plaid, You sparked up my life like a Rattletrap shad. When you hold me real tight like a padded gunrack, My life is complete; Ain't nuttin' I lack. Yore complexion, it's perfection, like the best vinyl sidin'. Despite all the years, yore age, it keeps hidin'. And when you get old like a '57 Chevy, Won't put you on blocks and let grass grow up heavy. Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie, with a RC cold drank, We go together like a skunk goes with stank. Some men, they buy chocolate for Valentine's Day; They git it at Wal-Mart; It's romantic that way. Some men git roses on that special day, From the cooler at Kroger. "That's impressive," I say. Some men buy fine diamonds from a flea market booth. "Diamonds are forever," they explain, suave and couth. But for this man, honey, these will not do. For you are too special, you sweet thang you. I got you a gift, without taste nor odour, Better than diamonds, it's a new trollin' motor.
Post Comment Private Reply Ignore Thread |
|
[Home] [Headlines] [Latest Articles] [Latest Comments] [Post] [Mail] [Sign-in] [Setup] [Help] [Register]
|