This is the complete text of an actual email that we received from Osama bin Laden: To: editor@saucers.com From: osama@alqaeda.net Subject: Getting to Know You
Praise be Allah that some of my admirers in the land of the infidels have invited me to fill out this fun little internet quiz. Perhaps now, those who live outside the world of the camel can understand that I am not such a bad guy after all, but am only doing my duty, as any mad bedouin would, to follow in the footsteps of Mohammed.
1. What time is it? It is the third day of Ramadan, and the hour glass has dropped about the same amount of sand as might fall into one's ear after loosening one's turban in the evening to let the fleas have some air.
2. Name as it appears on your birth certificate? My full name, as it was engraved on the pyramids when I was born, is Osama im Not the Freekin dali Lama ihava Beard as Long as my Mama im Always wearing my Pajama bin Laden.
3. Nickname. My friends just call me Savage Boy.
4. Height? The media reports that I am six feet four, but in the perfect Islamic society we would say that I am three and one-eighth cubits.
5. Eye color? Pitch black, except during satanic rituals when they tend to glow a bright red.
6. Hair color? Well, since viewing your image in a mirror is strictly forbidden in our society, I can only rely on the word of my wives, since, Allah forbid, no one else sees me with my turban off. They all tell me that it is also pitch black, but that's all they can see through those burka's anyway.
7. Piercings? Our religious beliefs allow us to practice piercings only when necessary. It is far preferable to simply chop off the head.
8. Tattoos? We men are forbidden to desecrate our bodies with such markings. But they can be useful on our women for keeping track of which wife is which.
9. Number of candles you blew out on your last birthday? Well, we don't keep track of birthdays, as such celebrations are strictly forbidden. But, on a good day, I like to blow up three or four cars, a couple of buildings and a herd of cattle.
10. Have you ever been toilet papered? What is toilet paper?
11. Types and names of your pets? The livestock is getting thin, lately, but I still have my faithful donkey, Habul, and one of my favorite sub-wives, Kashi, to keep me company. And the Mullah has his Harley, which he calls Hannibal.
12. Have you been to Europe? Certainly. In my younger days I spent much time in Europe. I loved blowing up those quaint little European autombiles, especially in the spring time.
13. Have you ever loved somebody so much it made you cry? Oh, this question reminds me of my dear boyhood friend, Abdullah. We grew up together and used to love spending time every day watching the public beheadings in Medina. We used to share our dreams with one another all night long, while we smoked scorpion heads in the turret of the mosque. I, of course, wanted to be a notorious terrorist and he wanted to be a serial killer. He could have gone on to be a great murderer, but he was tragically killed while playing on the guillotine, peace be upon him. I am certain that Allah has granted him Near Martyr status, which is not the exalted Full Martyr status with the 70 virgins and all, but it is something close where you get to have 8 desert women who are guaranteed to have been married no more than twice and who have only very light mustaches and hardly any beards at all.
14. Ever been in a car crash? I was run over on my donkey once by Mullah Omar, when we approached him from his blind side. Fortunately, no one was hurt, but one of my wives was killed, and the Mullah's front wheel has had a wobble ever since.
15. Croutons or bacon bits? Oh, those are beetles. They collect on everyone's beard this time of year and feast on crums that collect there during the ritual tea parties.
16. Favorite movie? Planet of the Apes. Of all western works of art, it is the one that most closely approximates the beauty of a perfect Islamic society.
17. Favorite holiday? As any true muslim would tell you, we love the month of Ramadan. It gives us a chance to fast during the day time, to feast during the night, and to whip ourselves with a rope.
18. Favorite TV show? We consider most western television to be obscene and blasphemous, since the women are allowed to speak. But, we do admire the courage of the stunt men on MTV's Jack Ass. We are in awe of any man, even an infidel, who will set himself on fire while strapped to a skate board and do a flip over an open tank of gasoline. We never miss the show and we use some of the episodes as instructional videos for the younger mujahadeen.
19. Favorite fast food restaurant? Taco Bell. If you're going to make yourself into a human explosion, it always helps to load up on burritos before the mission.
20. When was your last hospital visit? I used to go in for regular dialysis treatments, but, since we've been confined to this cave, we make do with the Mullah's motorcycle battery and a can of crisco oil.
21. What is your favorite sport to watch? Anything involving pain and destruction. I enjoy the World Wrestling Federation and, if I get out of this cave, I think I will join the league and compete in it myself. I may be thin, but I still have my kalashnikov.
22. Favorite toothpaste? What is toothpaste?
23. Who was the last person you had over for dinner. I believe it was a United Nations diplomat. We invited him over, before the cave fell in, to discuss a "peace treaty." We had a very nice meal. The chef served him with all proper respect due to a diplomat, after stewing him slowly in some curry sauce. Then we had his driver for dessert.
24. Favorite drink? The molotov cocktail. You can never have enough of them.
25. What CD is in your player right this second? The Prophets of the Hour of Doom, Unplugged.
26. What are your favorite pastimes: As everyone knows, I am a very busy man, but, like any man, I have my hobbies. When I take an occasional day off, I love to spend quality time beating my wives, eating my young and hating the infidels.
Well, that is all we have time for now. I must get back to plotting my course for world domination. Oh, I almost forgot. If you fill out this survey and forward it to 25 of your friends, Allah will send a hive of bees to nest in your beard and you will have honey all year long. If you send it to 10,000 people, Al Qaida will buy you an expense paid trip to Mecca for next year's Ramadan celebrations. If you send it to 100,000 people, we'll throw in a week at a mujahadeen training camp with a chance to become an instant martyr! So, get typing!
