[Home]  [Headlines]  [Latest Articles]  [Latest Comments]  [Post]  [Mail]  [Sign-in]  [Setup]  [Help]  [Register] 

What is the 'boogaloo?' How online calls for a violent uprising are hitting the mainstream

Dealing with AGWs?

Movie Review: Vanishing Point (1971) : A libertarian perspective

Federal Judges Meeting Will Target Trump And Barr, Report Says

NSC adviser 'is to be reassigned' amid DC rumors SHE is the infamous 'Anonymous' behind anti-Trump NYTimes op-ed and book 'A Warning'

Off-Duty Cop Follows Woman Through Parking Lot, Attacks Her—Taxpayers Shell Out $125K

New Witness Corroborates Accusation That Mike Bloomberg Told Pregnant Employee to 'Kill It'

Cops Stop Veteran with PTSD for No Reason, Savagely Taser and Hit Him Over 30 Times

The Student Debt You Willingly Took On Is Not My Problem To Solve

Virginia: Gun Ban Bill Defeated!

Democrats fear Republican sabotage in key Senate race

Trump Supporters Are George W Bush Supporters LARPing As Ron Paul Supporters

US closes case against ex-FBI boss McCabe with no charges

Pelosi: A.G. Barr 'has deeply damaged the rule of law'

More Victims Discovered After Cop Caught on Video Planting Meth on Innocent People

PasTor Who Prophesized 4 Years Ago ... AbouT Kanye WesT’s ChrisTian Conversion Makes PredicTion --- AbouT PresidenT Trump’s Chances Of Re-elecTion

Senate Democrats queasy over Sanders as nomin

John Kelly Finally Lets Loose on Trump

Thursday, February 13, 2020 Trump breaks New Hampshire record for voter turnout for any incumbent president

Instrumental 9 year old guitarist Taj Farrant plays Chris Stapleton "Tennessee Whiskey" on his Gibson SG and Elixir strings Marshall amp

The Ten Most Destructive Americans of Eight Decades

Nancy Pelosi’s Staff Demands Takedown of ‘Deceptively Altered’ Video of Her SOTU Tantrum

OKC - A Conspiracy Theory

#FlashbackFriday when Vindman perjured himself and @RepBradWenstrup caught him.

Biden Calls Skeptical New Hampshire Voter ‘a Lying, Dog-Faced Pony Soldier’ (The dust-up came after the voter asked whether he can rebound from Iowa)

Trump's resilience ... causes DemocraTs --- To sound The alarm

Hillary Clinton Comments on Potentially Joining Democratic Ticket as VP Nominee

Cop Found Passed Out Drunk in Patrol Car On Duty in Traffic, 5X Over Legal Limit—No Charges

‘Clearly Guilty’: Fox News’ Judge Andrew Napolitano Says Trump Could Be Impeached Again

City Officials Want To Clamp Down on Dragon's Ascent, a Video Game That Pays Skillful Players

Trump touts Space Force, moon and Mars plans in State of the Union address

Horrifying Video Shows Cops Surround Sleeping Pregnant Mother and Execute Her

Police Called to School After 6-year-old Girl With Down Syndrome Made a ‘Gun’ with Her Finger

Midwife Gets Charged with 95 Felonies by State of New York for Delivering Babies

Pelosi’s Speech-ripping Stunt: a Perfect Metaphor for What She’s Done to America

Undercover Cops Hired 118 Handymen, Then Arrested Them All for Not Having Licenses

Florida trooper shot dead by stranded driver on interstate

Senate Acquits Trump on Impeachment But Romney Dissents

Stomach-Turning Video Catches Cops Abusing Kitten, Spitting Inside, Destroying Property

NO JAIL for Cop Guilty of Responding to Domestic Violence Call by Raping the Victim

Kirk Douglas, Indomitable Icon of Hollywood’s Golden Age, Dies at 103

Video Clearly Catches Cop Stealing Cash from a Home and He’s NOT Arrested

CNN is Angry That White People Are Trying to Stop the Coronavirus Spreading

Everyone's A Criminal

Nancy Pelosi rips paper after Donald Trumps's State of the Union Speech

2020 State of the Union

Incompetence

Court To Cop: We Don't Need On-Point Precedent To Deny You Immunity For Killing A Dog That Couldn't Hurt You

Cop Attacks 16yo Boy, Knocks His Teeth Out for Paying for Candy with Damaged Bill

Rush Limbaugh Just Announced he has lung cancer


Status: Not Logged In; Sign In

911
See other 911 Articles

Title: Hijackers Surprised To Find Selves In Hell
Source: The Onion
URL Source: https://www.theonion.com/hijackers- ... find-selves-in-hell-1819566162
Published: Sep 26, 2001
Author:  
Post Date: 2019-09-12 00:02:43 by Tooconservative
Keywords: None
Views: 91

JAHANNEM, OUTER DARKNESS—The hijackers who carried out the Sept. 11 attacks on the World Trade Center and Pentagon expressed confusion and surprise Monday to find themselves in the lowest plane of Na'ar, Islam's Hell.

"I was promised I would spend eternity in Paradise, being fed honeyed cakes by 67 virgins in a tree-lined garden, if only I would fly the airplane into one of the Twin Towers," said Mohammed Atta, one of the hijackers of American Airlines Flight 11, between attempts to vomit up the wasps, hornets, and live coals infesting his stomach. "But instead, I am fed the boiling feces of traitors by malicious, laughing Ifrit. Is this to be my reward for destroying the enemies of my faith?"

The rest of Atta's words turned to raw-throated shrieks, as a tusked, asp-tongued demon burst his eyeballs and drank the fluid that ran down his face.

According to Hell sources, the 19 eternally damned terrorists have struggled to understand why they have been subjected to soul-withering, infernal torture ever since their Sept. 11 arrival.

"There was a tumultuous conflagration of burning steel and fuel at our gates, and from it stepped forth these hijackers, the blessed name of the Lord already turning to molten brass on their accursed lips," said Iblis The Thrice-Damned, the cacodemon charged with conscripting new arrivals into the ranks of the forgotten. "Indeed, I do not know what they were expecting, but they certainly didn't seem prepared to be skewered from eye socket to bunghole and then placed on a spit so that their flesh could be roasted by the searing gale of flatus which issues forth from the haunches of Asmoday."

"Which is strange when you consider the evil with which they ended their lives and those of so many others," added Iblis, absentmindedly twisting the limbs of hijacker Abdul Aziz Alomari into unspeakably obscene shapes.

"I was told that these Americans were enemies of the one true religion, and that Heaven would be my reward for my noble sacrifice," said Alomari, moments before his jaw was sheared away by faceless homunculi. "But now I am forced to suckle from the 16 poisoned leathern teats of Gophahmet, Whore of Betrayal, until I burst from an unwholesome engorgement of curdled bile. This must be some sort of terrible mistake."

Exacerbating the terrorists' tortures, which include being hollowed out and used as prophylactics by thorn-cocked Gulbuth The Rampant, is the fact that they will be forced to endure such suffering in sight of the Paradise they were expecting.

"It might actually be the most painful thing we can do, to show these murderers the untold pleasures that would have awaited them in Paradise, if only they had lived pious lives," said Praxitas, Duke of Those Willingly Led Astray. "I mean, it's tough enough being forced through a wire screen by the callused palms of Halcorym and then having your entrails wound onto a stick and fed to the toothless, foul-breathed swine of Gehenna. But to endure that while watching the righteous drink from a river of wine? That can't be fun."

Underworld officials said they have not yet decided on a permanent punishment for the terrorists.

"Eventually, we'll settle on an eternal and unending task for them," said Lord Androalphus, High Praetor of Excruciations. "But for now, everyone down here wants a crack at them. The legions of fang-wombed hags will take their pleasure on their shattered carcasses for most of this afternoon. Tomorrow, their flesh will be melted from their bones like wax in the burning embrace of the Mother of Cowards. The day after that, they'll be sodomized by the Fallen and their bowels shredded by a demonic ejaculate of burning sand. Then, on Sunday, Satan gets them all day. I can't even imagine what he's got cooked up for them."


Poster Comment:

A bit late in the day but I thought I'd post this little Onion piece from 2001.

Post Comment   Private Reply   Ignore Thread  


[Home]  [Headlines]  [Latest Articles]  [Latest Comments]  [Post]  [Mail]  [Sign-in]  [Setup]  [Help]  [Register] 

Please report web page problems, questions and comments to webmaster@libertysflame.com