RUH-ROH — REFT BEHIND!
Certain Christian denominations believe in a phenomenon called the Rapture. It’s pretty complicated, and the details vary from sect to sect, but basically it’s a series of events surrounding Christ’s return to Earth, including the sudden beaming to Heaven of most good God-fearin’ folk. Or something. Anyway, we know from the Left Behind novels that these are not plus-one invitations, so presumably the pets of the raptured are stuck here too.
But an Akron-area business says if you’re a believer, your animals won’t have to suffer for your salvation, starving in a cage while you enter the pearly gates. Post Rapture Pet Care is poised to rescue your pets and care for them until the Lord calls them home too.
Co-founder Dana (she asked us not to use her last name, “due the overwhelming amount of criticism this organization gets”) says that Post Rapture Pet Care associates “share a love for animals, and [have] good morals and ethics.” Not good enough to be raptured, admittedly, but then, if everyone was taken up, it wouldn’t be very special, would it?
“We are a large group of confirmed atheists who honestly care about the well-being of pets, should the Rapture occur,” explains Dana. “Most of us, being pet owners ourselves, see that this event could potentially devastate the lives of thousands [upon] thousands of pets and would hate to see this happen.”
Dana says the business has “hundreds of people” stationed over the Northeast United States, from Virginia to New York, and as far west as Ohio. She wouldn’t say how popular the service is but claims the business has “an extensive client database.”
For a one-time fee of $50, a representative will visit Raptured souls’ former homes, secure the pets, adopt them and care for them as their own. They do allow for special requests or instructions, in case a believer would like the pet to be delivered to, say, a Jewish brother-in-law. Terms, conditions, and frequently asked questions are posted at postrapturepetcare.blogspot.com.
Dana says the business has protocols to verify whether an event is merely a mass disappearance or the Christian Rapture. They plan to have all animals rescued within 18 to 24 hours of the Rapture. And she insists she’s not kidding: “Under no circumstances is this a joke.” — D.X. Ferris
