LF: Kleenex Facial Tissue, White (36-pack)

Title: Kleenex Facial Tissue, White (36-pack)
Source: Amazon
URL Source: [None]
Published: Mar 24, 2018
Author: some poor lady
Post Date: 2018-03-24 00:32:56 by Tooconservative
Keywords: None
Views: 2069
Comments: 15

I thought it had a few good lines. Obviously, this is a satire. He has a whole series of these kinds of "reviews" at Amazon. It got so popular he was a guest on the CBS morning show apparently.

I've been reading this guy's work at Amazon. He deserves TV appearances. And his own movie project.

Customer Review

Vegetable Cruelty

ByJames O. Thachon May 18, 2014

Style: 3-Blade Spiral SlicerSize: 1-Pack

As a vegetable rights activist, I've seen some terrible things--a veritable chopped salad of suffering. For instance, chopped salad. But this takes agricultural cruelty to a new level.

Are we as a society so inured to violence that we cheer as a potato is turn-by-turn transformed into something twisted beyond recognition--a "curly fry"? Can we sit idly by as apples are ground into "fruit noodles"?

America used to be a safe haven for fruits and vegetables. We'd protect them in our crispers, let our children play with them, then release them into landfills. But suddenly, the knives have come out. Today they're sliced, diced, chopped, juiced, julienned, and now this: spiral slicing. Horrifying.

So why the 5 stars? Look, I'm no idiot. I know I'm not going to change the world by preaching to the converted. I need to reach those who've been brainwashed by the vegetable-industrial complex--the doctors, nutritionists, public health advocates, and well-meaning parents. Face it, we all have ketchup on our hands.

But it's time to come together and say, Enough! Let's treat our leafy greens, hearty legumes, and dirty tubers with the respect they deserve. Chill and release, folks. Chill and release. And let them live again--in New Jersey.

"To avoid even the remote possibility of such injuries, I invested in this 55 gallon drum of water soluble personal lubricant--the idea being that the children could enjoy the slide in complete safety...

... There came a ghastly grinding sound, and I could tell from the crimson plume that followed, it would be a total loss.

...Since then, I've asked myself a thousand times, is there anything I could have done differently? But in the end, no actuary table could have predicted this bloodbath. I can only conclude that this was an act of God. And that, to me, is truly terrifying. Because we're not covered for that."