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United States News Title: What if crimes by pen were treated like crimes by gun? I stumbled across an interesting article in the Cleveland Plain dealer (originally appearing in the Fort Worth Star-Telegram yesterday entititled White-collar crime: Robbery by pen should be treated like one by gun about the Bernard Madoff $50 billion scam. Author Randy Johnston posed an interesting question: The largest robbery in this country ever accomplished with a gun netted a measly $4.46 million from Seafirst Bank in Lakewood, Wash. That is about the amount that Madoff tried to mail to relatives from his townhouse while he was out on bail. Everyone who helped the men rob with a gun was prosecuted or threatened into cooperating. Why is robbing with a pen any different? He's right, robbery is robbery. Even though there was no immediate threat of death by being shot during an armed robbery, a scam of this magnitude certainly ruined lives and could have lead to deaths by suicide. Personal experience tells me the latter is a strong possibility, as I was once present on a crime scene where an elderly woman had been scammed out of her life's savings. Her suicide note detailed that this scam was her reason for taking her life as she was "too old to start over." That said, let's lighten things up a bit by examining what it would be like if crimes committed with the signing of a pen were treated like gun crimes. After all, the pen is mightier than the sword. 1. Nobody under the age of 21 would be permitted to buy a pen 2. You'd have to undergo a background check before being permitted to buy a pen at an office supply store 3. You'd be required to transfer a pen through a Federal Pen License dealer if you purchased it out of state 4. If you wanted to carry a pen concealed in your pocket, you'd have to obtain a special license 5. Ink for the pen would be expensive, and pen control advocates would push for chemical tagging so police would know which pen it came from 6. Attorney General Eric Holder would push to close the "Office Supply Show Loophole" and ban the private sales of pens 7. The Spielberg Campaign to Prevent Pen Scamming would lobby for a five day waiting period on pen purchases 8. They'd also want pens banned in National Parks (why do you need a pen in a park anyway?) 9. They'd also advocate "one pen a month" rationing schemes to prevent scammers from stockpiling pens 10. The Ohio Coalition Against Pen Writing would want laws prohibiting children from having pens to prevent them from cheating on tests 11. Pens would not be permitted in any public buildings 12. If stopped for a financial purpose, you'd be required to inform your banker that you had a license to carry a concealed pen and that it was on your person 13. It would be illegal to mail a pen 14. Massad Ayoob would try to write about writing and get stuck in an endless chicken-egg loop 15. If you didn't have a license, you could not transport a pen in a motor vehicle with the ink loaded into it 16. President Obama would have asked potential hires if they owned any pens and if they were registered 17. The Obama administration, favoring common-sense pen control, would argue that while they support the First Amendment, what works in Chicago may not work in Cheyenne, therefore we need an "Assault Pen Ban" to fight fraud 18. Pencils, which are not much different from pens but look less evil, would still be legal. For now 19. If pens are outlawed, only outlaws will have pens 20. During his presidential campaign, Obama would have said he wasn't surprised some people feel bitter and cling to pens or religion 21. The City of Cleveland would want to pass a ban on "high capacity" pens capable of writing more than 100 words per minute 22. The City of Toledo would try to ban pens in their parks, "for the children" 23. The National Pen Association would take Washington DC to court because they require pens to be disassembled and locked up. DC would rest their case on the fact that the First Amendment only applies to journalists 24. "OFCC" would still stand for the same thing, but the media would actually like us 25. People in the OhioCCW Forums would argue about whether plastic or metal pens are superior 26. Cam Edwards would be known for his beautiful penmanship 27. Oleg Volk would point out that if the First Amendment only applies to ink presses, than the Second Amendment only applies to flintlock muskets 28. Journalists would have to register with and obtain a license from the Bureau of Pens, Pencils, Typewriters, & Keyboards 29. Any automatic ballpoint pen manufactured after 1986 would be banned. Those before 1986 would require a $200 tax to own one 30. Inexpensive pens would be labeled "junk pens" and would be banned 31. Research would show that banning civilian ownership of pens does nothing to deter fraud, but the pen grabbers would ignore the research and instead promote their own "studies" claiming otherwise 32. Police departments across the country would conduct "pen buy back" programs, melting the pens down to make frisbees 33. The International Action Network on Small Pens would work from abroad to try to get anti-pen candidates elected into office to further their pen confiscation schemes 34. Rosie O'Donnell would invite Tom Selleck on her show to talk about his latest movie, but would instead ambush him about his support for pen ownership 35. Michael Moore would be nominated for an Oscar for his movie, Penning for Madoff. In it, he'd blame George Bush for the scam 36. The Protection of Lawful Commerce in Ink act would be under attack by those who want to sue pen manufacturers out of business for not creating pens that can't be used to commit crimes 37. Students would be expelled from school if they wore a t-shirt with a picture of a pen on it 38. New Jersey would be trying to pass a law requiring "smart pen" technology so that pens would only work for one person 39. Massachusetts would have a list of approved pens you'd be allowed to own 40. California would require you to submit a sample of your handwriting before you'd be allowed to own a pen so they could eliminate fraud 41. Businesses would put up "No Pens Allowed" signs to keep criminals from passing bad checks 42. The Million Mom March would lobby against "Write First" laws requiring that those accused of fraud are considered innocent until proven guilty 43. I.P.S.C. would stand for International Pen Scribing Confederation 44. It would be illegal to carry a pen in a bar 45. And in a school zone 46. Pens would be banned from commercial airlines. Actually, they probably are anyway 47. Students on the U.S. Calligraphy Team would not be allowed to practice writing skills on school grounds 48. You couldn't take your pen across state lines unless the other state recognized your right to bear a pen with a formal, written agreement. The reciprocity agreement would not be written in pen 49. Canada would ban pens but would have fraud anyway. They'd have no idea why 50. Newspapers would print lists of names of people who were licensed to carry pens so you knew who might try to scam you 51. I'd be the Cleveland Pen Rights Examiner
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