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Humor Title: Behind the scenes of the Las Vegas debate Exclusive from the Wildly Inaccurate Dianny News Service WOLF BLITZER Gentlemen and ladies. Thank you for coming. As you all know, this luncheon is an informal gathering to allow you all to chat, not only with each other but with your moderators for tonight’s debate. I will be overseeing lunch along with Dana Bash, chief political correspondent for CNN and Hugh Hewitt of our radio partner Salem National — the token sort-of conservative moderator chosen specifically for his disdain of Donald Trump. Now, before we begin this informal luncheon, let’s take your lunch orders. We’ll begin with you, Mr. Trump. What would you like for lunch today. DONALD TRUMP Well, Wolf. Lunch is absolutely important. It is the most important meal of the day– WOLF BLITZER Now, actually, Mr. Trump, we all know breakfast is the most important meal of the day. TRUMP Yes. Breakfast is yuge. But we have a problem in this country. We don’t make great lunches anymore. And I will order the best lunch. There will be no lunch better than mine. WOLF BLITZER So, what are you ordering, sir? TRUMP This lunch will have the best bread and the best meat. Condiments like you’ve — terrific condiments, full of flavor and bite … but not so flavorful as to drown out the flavor of the meat or the bread. And cheese. Absolutely unbelievable cheese. WOLF BLITZER So you’re having a sandwich? TRUMP I will be having an absolutely incredible sandwich. I’m going to make lunch great again. JOHN KASICH Wolf? Wolf? WOLF BLITZER We’ll get to you Mr. Kasich. I’m still trying to figure out what kind of sandwich Mr. Trump is ordering. TRUMP A terrific sandwich. The best sandwich. WOLF BLITZER Tell you what. We’ll get back to you Mr. Trump. Dana? DANA BASH Senator Cruz. Marco Rubio has said that you eat nothing but Snicker’s bars for lunch. Can you comment on that? TED CRUZ Well, Dana. I realize that Senator Rubio is spending a great deal of time trying to misrepresent my eating habits. And in this case, he is once again misinformed. While it is true that I enjoy a Snicker’s bar at lunch, I have never simply had a Snicker’s bar for my lunch. My lunch always begins with a bowl of asparagus and cheese soup accompanied by a ham sandwich on rye bread with a little Dijon mustard. I have been known to eat a Cobb salad on occasion, but only with dressing on the side. DANA BASH Senator Rubio? MARCO RUBIO Dana, the problem with Senator Cruz is his inconsistency. Just listen to what he said here. Sometimes soup? Sometimes a salad? How can you expect him to be consistent in his lunch order when his choices have been all over the map. DANA BASH What would you like for lunch, Senator Rubio? RUBIO Well, I can tell you I certainly don’t want a Snicker’s bar. CRUZ Marco. Marco. There you go again. You have got to stop with these Alinsky tactics. I just explained that my lunches have never consisted solely of a Snicker’s bar. You are flatly incorrect in this accusation, you have been proven incorrect in this accusation. TRUMP Marco’s probably going to order a Cuban sandwich. WOLF BLITZER Mr. Trump. There’s no cross-talk here, please. RUBIO Since Mr. Trump mentioned me, I’d like to continue if I could. I would like a roast beef and Swiss on soft rye with a side of potato chips and three bottles of Aquafina. WOLF BLITZER Governor Bush? JEB! BUSH ¿Puedo tener un taco? TRUMP Can you believe this guy? We’re in Las Vegas, Jeb. Not Juárez. Speak English. Unbelievable. JEB! You know, you can’t insult your way to a lunch order, Donald. I know you think you can, but you can’t. TRUMP You’re just acting like that because my sandwich is the greatest sandwich and you’re just getting a taco. WOLF BLITZER Mr. Trump, speaking of your sandwich, what were you getting? TRUMP Wolf. My sandwich is going to be the best sandwich in the history of lunch. The meat — let me tell you — the meat will be the finest, leanest cuts of meat. The bread, thick and soft with nice crispy crust. Absolutely terrific. KASICH Wolf? Wolf? May I — WOLF BLITZER We’re almost to your order, Governor Kasich. We’ve got a lot of orders to take. KASICH But Wolf. I’ve been waiting here and nobody has asked me what I want for lunch. WOLF BLITZER Fine. Governor Kasich, your lunch order? KASICH Back when I was in the Congress — you know, when I helped balance the budget, and Wolf, I had some of the best lunches at the cafeteria of the Congressional building. The Democrats fought me relentlessly over it, but I was successful in having all pork removed from the menu. And let me just say, that if baloney and Kraft Singles American cheese on Wonder Bread was good enough for my mailman father, then by golly, it’s good enough for me! WOLF BLITZER Hugh? HUGH HEWITT Dr. Carson. You are known to be a brilliant pediatric neuro-patho- geno-ologistic surgeon. DR. CARSON Actually, we just call it “Neurosurgeon.” HUGH HEWITT Yeah. Whatever. But you’re a very subdued and spiritual man. Do you think you have the capacity to make the hard decisions to choose what you would eat for lunch? DR. CARSON Well, Hugh. I don’t believe you need to be a brain surgeon to figure out what you want to eat. It only takes common sense. An appetite. And the ability to speak. I think I’ll have a Philly Cheese Steak with a side order of fries. And a strawberry milkshake. HUGH HEWITT Are you sure you want to go with a strawberry milkshake, Dr. Carson? DR. CARSON [pause] Yes. HUGH HEWITT Oookay. If that’s what you want. WOLF BLITZER Dana? DANA BASH Ms. Fiorina? Your lunch order? CARLY FIORINA You know, this is why the American people are sick and tired of the process. I’ve been keeping track here, Dana, and we have spent the last ten minutes discussing lunches. Lunches! Lunch isn’t going to balance the budget. Lunch isn’t going to bring Putin in line. And I’ve met Putin. And I can tell you, Putin is not impressed with these lunch orders. Lunch isn’t going to defeat Hillary Clinton in November. We need leadership, not lunch. Would Margaret Thatcher order lunch?! DANA BASH Well, maybe she would have at lunch time. Ms. Fiorina. We’ll talk about Putin tonight. For now, it’s lunch time. So we’re talking about lunch orders. CARLY FIORINA I’ll have a chicken breast and avocado sandwich with sprouts. On freshly baked, gluten free sourdough bread. And a bottle of Orangina. WOLF BLITZER Senator Paul. You’ve heard the other lunch orders thus far. What would you like to eat. RAND PAUL The problem we’re having here is the privacy of our lunch orders is not being respected. In fact, we’re being spied on even as we speak. I see a reporter hiding up there in the balcony. DIANNY Cleaning lady! No speaka English. JEB! Bienvenido, señora. Almorzar con nosotros! TRUMP Can you believe this guy? You think this debate is hosted by Telemundo? What a joke. JEB! Are you insulting my wife again, Donald? TRUMP No, Jeb. I’m insulting you. And maybe Telemundo which is a joke. JEB! There he goes again. All Mr. Trump does is attack. WOLF BLITZER Gentlemen, please. Senator Paul? Your lunch order. PAUL Well, I can tell you I won’t be placing my order for lunch in a boorish and loud way like Mr. Trump. TRUMP Well, I’m at forty-one percent and you’re at one percent. So whatever Rand is having, I should be given a lunch that’s forty-one times the size of his. WOLF BLITZER Mr. Trump. Please let Senator Paul finish. PAUL Wolf, I won’t be telling you what I want to eat. I’ll just sneak out and find some food which I will eat in the privacy of my room where none of you can see what I’m having. WOLF BLITZER Dana? DANA BASH Senator Christie? Your order? CHRIS CHRISTIE Seriously, you guys. You took forever to get to me. My blood sugar is crashing. I was about ready to eat this podium. Just order two of everything everyone else is getting and give the second of each order to me. DANA BASH That much? Really? CHRIS CHRISTIE Tick tock, Dana. My blood sugar isn’t getting any better. DANA BASH Okay. One of everything they’re having. Got it. CHRIS CHRISTIE And a Diet Coke. WOLF BLITZER Gentlemen and lady, thank you for placing your lunch orders. We will take a short break and when we return, we’ll all eat. KASICH Wolf? Wolf? WOLF BLITZER Governor Kasich, we’re going to take a break– KASICH But Trump still hasn’t told us what he would order for lunch. And it is exactly this kind of ordering that is the problem we’re having in this campaign. When I was in the Congress, I always told the cafeteria lady exactly what I wanted to eat for lunch. And Mr. Trump here still hasn’t told us what he’s ordering. TRUMP John, nobody cares what you think. You’re polling somewhere around zero. Go back to Ohio. JEB! Donald. You aren’t going to insult your way through this lunch. Maybe you should stop attacking everyone else’s order when you clearly are unable to order for yourself. TRUMP Jeb. Jeb. Jeb. Why don’t you order a Red Bull to go along with that taco. Maybe it will help you with your energy problem. WOLF BLITZER Mr. Trump. Governors Kasich and Bush are correct. You haven’t yet told us what you want for lunch. TRUMP I believe lunch is the most important meal of the day– WOLF BLITZER Yes, we’ve gone over that. But what do you want for lunch. TRUMP I’ll tell you what Wolf. Just bring a bunch of different kinds of breads and meat, plus cheeses and condiments. And I’m going to build the best sandwich myself. it’s going to be the biggest, tastiest sandwich. There won’t be any other sandwich like it. WOLF BLITZER You want us to bring in a bunch of breads and toppings and you’ll make your own? TRUMP Yes. It’s what I do. I build terrific things! Amazing things. And I will build the best sandwich. It will be terrific. Awesome sandwich. And it’ll hit the spot. It will hit the spot like no other sandwich before it. HUGH HEWITT If I may, Wolf? Mr. Trump. What kinds of bread? What I’m asking is, do you know the popular bread of India and Pakistan? And can you tell me, Mr. Trump, is Barbari bread from Iran or Italy? TRUMP I’ll be having American bread, Hugh. American bread. Maybe some rye. Or pumpernickel. A nice bialy. Like the kind of breads I get at that terrific deli near my office. WOLF BLITZER You know what? Let’s just order the lunches, and Mr. Trump can have a bite off of everyone else’s lunch. RUBIO But not Ted’s Snicker’s bar. Senator Cruz is obsessed with his Snicker’s bar. He won’t share it with anybody. CRUZ [sigh] WOLF BLITZER All right. We’ll be right back with lunch after this break. Post Comment Private Reply Ignore Thread Top • Page Up • Full Thread • Page Down • Bottom/Latest Begin Trace Mode for Comment # 2.
#1. To: Rufus T Firefly (#0)
Okay, pretty good, even though it was like wading through some turds.
It's still better than the actual DRat debates to date.
#3. To: SOSO (#2)
I liked how this captured Trump's shtick, to a tee.
Bernie's rules, same as the Dem debate, no mention of Hillary's emails. Rigged by Karl Rove and Woofie Blintzer to get Hillary elected!
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