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The Water Cooler Title: The Wii Is a Plastic Box of Death I have an apology to make. In the past, I've made fun of anti-video-game lawyer Jack Thompson for his views on gamers, his rudimentary grasp of logic and the distinct scent of brimstone that surrounds him. I see now that I was wrong. So very wrong. Video games truly are nothing more than attractively packaged training devices for youthful violence, mayhem and nose-thumbing. What pulled me out of the sub-basement of denial and into the glorious, shining foyer of light? Well, I finally managed to buy a Nintendo Wii (or, as I prefer to call it, the Murder Appliance). Sorry, I know that's not very catchy. It's hard to come up with a properly macabre pun on "Wii." "The Grim Wii-per" maybe? No, let's stick with Murder Appliance. It takes only a few minutes with this gruesome plastic box of death to realize exactly how insidious it is. Every aspect of it is designed with one thing in mind: transforming innocent, wide-eyed, polite young people into slavering psychopaths. Let's start with the much-ballyhooed controller. (Studies indicate that the Wiimote is the most ballyhooed video-game controller of all time by 3.5 kilohypes.) Is there any remaining doubt that it was designed expressly as a weapon? Nintendo needed to reinforce its control strap just to keep it from getting loose, werewolflike, and busting up all your home furnishings. To date, the remote has destroyed more than 400 television sets, 78 stereo systems, three bay windows and a monastery that was home to some exceptionally rowdy monks. At 40 bucks each, the only thing keeping Wiimotes from replacing Glocks as the gang-banging weapon of choice is the fact that you can't actually find them for sale anywhere. Mark my words, someday soon you'll be walking down a dark alley, or at least navigating a poorly lit cul-de-sac, when a thug will emerge from the shadows and tell you that unless you hand over your wallet, you're going to have a D-pad-shaped dent in your skull. And the controller attachment? It's called a nunchuk, the weapon of choice for antisocial youth with a collection of Bruce Lee movies and an inflated sense of their own dexterity. Enough said. Now let's move on to the "games." What sadist came up with the "sports" included in the game? Each one is clearly designed to train people for the task of reducing other human beings to pink pulp. For instance, take this so-called "bowling." What practical application could there be for throwing massive, dense balls at people? Yes, in the game they're called "pins" but I think we can all see that they're supposed to represent toddlers. And this "baseball" game -- it's nothing more than a ritualized gang war, with rival gangs attempting to kill each other with stones and truncheons. And there's also "boxing," which appears to involve people hitting each other, I'm not sure. I broke my TV with the remote before I got that far. The point is that we never had violent games like this before video games came on the scene. People played nice games like "pass the parcel," "postman's knock" and "soggy biscuit." It takes the shriveled, degenerate mind of a game developer to come up with "entertainment" like this. The worst of it is this, though: The Wii actually encourages gamers to get exercise. Up until now, murderous gamer rampages have been kept to a minimum by the fact that a good rampage requires you to get up and be mobile for a while, something most gamers are loath to do. By combining games with movement, you're breeding a generation of gamers who have no problem with standing up, waving their arms, and increasing their pulse rates. There's nothing to stop them now! In the near future we'll all be reduced to cowering in our homes, fearful that a murderous gamer gang will arrive to collect "power-ups," by which they mean our severed heads. Thanks, Nintendo. Thanks a lot. - - - Born helpless, nude and unable to provide for himself, Lore Sjöberg eventually overcame these handicaps to become a ruffian, a roughneck and a ruffed grouse.
Poster Comment: I have a wii. It is loads of fun. Boxing, bowling and madden football are the funnest.
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