When Mitt Romney selected me as his running mate, I knew the Democratic attack dogs would come out in full force. They would say Im a right-wing ideologue. They would say my views on entitlement programs are far too radical. They would say putting me on the ticket immediately kills Mitt Romneys chances of becoming president because Im a liability. But if were being honest with each otherif were able to put aside the talking points for a few minutes and say what were all actually thinking and feelingI believe we can acknowledge the real truth here.
Im young, Im handsome, Im smart, and Im articulate. And that scares the ever-loving shit out of you. You can pretend like you have this thing in the bag, but you know good goddamn well that this race just got real interesting, real fast.
Its okay to admit it. Youre frightened to death of me. It might actually be healthy for you to face your fears now rather than later, when Mitt and I are leading by a few points in the polls and it looks like this thing might end badly for you. Face it: Im not some catastrophe waiting to happen, like a Sarah Palin or a Dan Quayle. On the contrary, you have the exact opposite fear. Im a solid, competent, some might say exceptional, politician.
Did you get nervous when you read that last sentence? Is it because you know in your heart of hearts that its 100 percent true? Is it because, even if you strongly disagree with my beliefs on Medicare, Social Security, womens rights, and marriage equality, you know my talent as a speaker and my well-thought-out approach to these issuesno matter how radical and convoluted you find themmight just be enough to win over independent voters?
Do you get chills just thinking about how strong my appeal actually is?
I have another question for you: How scared are you that I can convince people Im right? Because Im good at it. No, Im really good at it. You see, I know how to turn up the charm and charisma without putting people off. Then I back up what Im saying with arguments that, when they come out of my mouth, sound completely accurate and well-reasoned. And I do it with such passion that people automatically recognize me as a man with deep convictions he will stand up for, no matter what.
The American people love that shit. They love it.
Passion, intellect, and a magnetic personality. Pretty damn intimidating combo, if I say so myself. You want to talk about polish? Man, Ive got polish for miles. Oh, and by the way, Ill go ahead and say this next thing because, if were being honest, why the hell not, right? In case you havent noticed, Im white. Hoo, brother, am I white.
Yup, you should be scared shitless of me, because guess who isnt? The people of Wisconsin. They love me. Republicans and Democrats there love me. Hell, I get Democrats to vote for me even if my policies make zero sense when it comes to their livelihoods. Do you know why? Because they like me. They like my story. Young, good-looking kid who pulled himself up by his bootstraps to make something of himself. Christ, I'm a storybook candidate. I balance out this ticket so well its almost too perfect. The people of Ohio are going to think that. And seniors in Floridathe state we supposedly lost when Mitt picked mewont be so scared as soon they know that my mother lives in Florida, and that all I want to do is reform the health care system so she can receive care that makes good fiscal sense.
Boy, Im going to sell the shit out of that talking point. And Im going to do a great job of it. Why? Because Im Paul Ryan. Thats what I do.
And if were having trouble getting Pennsylvania on board, just wait until I absolutely wipe the floor with Joe Biden in the vice presidential debates. Dont think for a second that I dont know youre terrified of us facing off, because in the back of your mind you know it could be a bloodbath up there.
Well, thats 77 electoral votes, and by my math that means you can kiss your golden boy goodbye after four short years. All that promise. All that energy. All that potential. Gone in one November night.
Im your worst fucking nightmare.
Oh, and by the way, dont even try to pretend you havent imagined me being elected president one day.