In America, where you can't be elected president without being an open Christian, why, I'm not ashamed to tell you that I just so happen to be a Christian.
During these tough economic times, when you may have lost your job or your house, I, Rick Perry, know what truly matters to you: the icky icky gay people. At this very moment, some red-blooded, vagina-lovin' American soldier might be overseas with a sand nig... uh, terrorist in the sights of his assault rifle, only to have Poop Chute Pete sneak up the flank and take the shot. That shoulda been Vagina Vince's kill - not Poop Shoot Pete's. Because when it comes to killin' towel-hea...terrorists, where you stick your giggle stick matters....It matters. Elect me president and I will fight for the Vagina Bill. Every adult male who can provide notarized evidence that he has come into contact with a vagina, will receive a free license to carry a firearm.
As president, I promise to end the war, the quagmire that America has been stuck in for years. That's right, I'm talkin' about the war on Christmas. Last year at my nephew's school, there were 54 children participatin' in the Christmas play. This year, there's only fifty two. Fifty two. Don't think we don't see what you're doin', Obama. I mean, were not even allowed to force kids to pray anymore. As president, I will put an end to Obama's sausage-fest jihad on God.
Bigotry and bullying made our country strong, and it can make her strong again.
I am Rick Perry, and I am a dinosaur.
A big dinosaur, like a t-rex...not one of them little gay velociraptors.