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Religion Title: Instructions for Proper Arrangement of Deck Chairs on the U.S.S. ('Too Big To Sink') Titanic As the U.S.S. Titanic [American Empire] steams full speed ahead for New York harbor [the November 6, 2012 elections], we find no need to provide a deck chair for Captain Barack Hussein Obama. He has no desire to socialize with deck-chair scum. Captain Obama is having too much fun socializing with his most prominent first class passengers [Wall Street], while criticizing his opponents for ignoring the second-class passengers and scuttling the third-class passengers he himself is about to imprison below deck. The captain realizes his first-class cigar partners are really in charge, so why not just enjoy the perks. Missus Michelle is having too much fun lording it over the ladies, so he can enjoy his cigars safe from her scrutiny. On board deck, therefore, are chairs for eight would-be replacements for Captain Obama. Note: The U.S.S. Titanic is a "democratic" (lower-case "d") ship, where the passengers vote for their choice of captain. This organization plan has never been proven to work well, although, as Winston Churchill noted, none of the other plans seem to work any better. The question remains, then, how to arrange the deck chairs of the "opposition" to Captain Obama. While the top first class passengers will still remain in control, this is a matter of endless fascination to the media passengers who convinced their bosses that this is a story worth covering (and paying for, with their expensive cabins). We suggest a three-part organization of those deck chairs. The establishment candidates The "anti-establishment" candidates (aka conservative clowns) The prophet (we are required by law to provide him with a chair, but our solution will be to just ignore him and pretend he doesn’t exist) The establishment candidates Front chair occupied by Mitt Romney. Back chair (perilously near the ocean edge of the deck) occupied by Jon Huntsman. The "anti-establishment" conservative clowns These seats are occupied by Michele Bachmann, Rick Perry, Herman Cain, Newt Gingrich, and – oh, yes – Rick Santorum. These seats rotate according to the media’s boredom factor. When they get tired of one clown, switch the chairs and the next "flavor of the month" gets the front chair. Except that Santorum, with his Google problem, who never seems to get that front seat. The "prophet" There’s no doubt who sits in this chair, all alone: Ron Paul. But is he Captain Barr of the Cunardia Caronia, warning of icebergs ahead? Or the captain of the Greek steamer Athinai warning of the same iceberg danger, only closer? Or, finally, the California, warning “We are stopped and surrounded by ice”? No matter. We will just ignore him. To listen to the prophet, you see, would require the Titanic to change course. And nobody really wants to do that because the Titanic is on the fastest path across the Atlantic, and this is a cruise for addicted gamblers. If the “Titanic” wins the race across the Atlantic, the first-class passengers stand to win a bundle of derivatives upon disembarkation in Lower Manhattan. The second-class passengers are told they will be taken care of until death with pension derivatives and medical-care derivatives. And the third-class passengers – well, they have been convinced they cannot make it across the Atlantic on their own and must depend on smarter people to get them there. Plus, one of them stands to win the lottery and get a bundle of derivatives like those in first class. Lotteries are very popular in third class. The media passengers? Well, none of them has studied navigation, so they think the Titanic’s course is the only way to get across the Atlantic. The only way to deal with Prophet Paul, therefore, is to ignore him. And so he is ignored by the establishment media. He gets just 90 seconds in the GOP presidential debate on foreign policy on Saturday, November 12, for example. Old Testament prophets have never been faves on TV, anyway, unless they are safely ensconced in the historical past. Of course the next step is Titanic lookout Frederick Fleet’s chilling and to-the-point message: "Iceberg ahead!" But by then it is too late.
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