In a bold move, Microsoft today unveiled a font that will now be available on all of its new computers, as well as being made available free of charge for uploading to existing PCs.
A Microsoft spokesman explained that, "In an effort help our more conservative Windows users save time when writing to, in their words, activist judges, overpaid government workers, leftist media outlets, misguided liberal relatives, and secretly Muslim and/or Communist elected officials, the new Rightwingnuts font will provide an unmistakable way to get their point across, as well as offering extra assistance with spelling, grammar, and punctuation."
"Now, in addition to the old tried-and-true Times New Roman, Tahoma, and Arial, and the wild-and-wacky Chiller, Stencil, and Magneto fonts, Rightwingnuts gives true patriots a way to quickly and forcefully make an impact on the, and again I'm using their words, latte-drinking, Prius-driving, baby-killing, gay-sexing, Face-Spacing, class-warfare-waging denizens of nanny-state America."
"Rightwingnuts font is, basically, just really big and really dark. All the time. No more having to use the Caps Lock key, a separate command for bolding, or changing the font size. This is the font equivalent of shouting, 'Get off my lawn!' to that kid with the tattoos and pierced ears. We think it will be a real hit with those on Medicare who want to keep the government out of our health care system, those who think that people like Lloyd Blankfein already pay too much in taxes, and those who think George Soros sacrifices goats to Beelzebub."
Other features of Rightwingnuts include:
Three exclamation points for every one the user types. Typing the letters "D-e-m" automatically results in "Democrap." Likewise, typing the letters "l-i-b" automatically results in "libtard," thus saving thousands of keystrokes per week.
The names of any Democratic elected officials will be underlined in red. When you run a spell check, the only offered alternative will be "Fascist." If you type in a temperature, it is automatically lowered to prove that global warming doesn't exist. (Warning: Using Rightwingnuts for recipes may result in undercooked food and subsequent death.)
Whenever the letter "O" appears in "Obama," it will have awesome little devil horns and a tail on it.
In Rightwingnuts, the words "Socialist," "Communist," and "Nazi" all mean exactly the same thing.
Names like "Reagan," "Bush," "Limbaugh," and "Hannity" automatically turn Republican red and, when you hold your cursor over them, angels sing. Frownie face always appears after the words "tax," "spend," "regulation," "union," and "Michael Moore."
If you ever deviate from the talking points, a cheery little paper clip will appear in the corner and ask if you really mean that. If you persist, the paper clip will actually hop out of the computer and stab you in the eye. (Clippy very angry!)
When asked if Apple had plans in the works for a similar font for Mac users, a spokesman replied that Apple wasn't aware of any rightwingnuts using its products. "With our more intuitive user platform, creative music and video applications, resistance to viruses, and top-notch customer support, rightwingers typically regard our product as vaguely sinister, foreign or gay. And we're OK with that."
