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Title: Chuckle of the Day
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Published: Sep 8, 2011
Author: ME
Post Date: 2011-09-08 09:33:47 by CZ82
Keywords: None
Views: 9132
Comments: 20
At a wedding party recently someone yelled, “All the married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living.” The bartender was crushed to death.
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#1. To: CZ82 (#0)
Okay, that was pretty funny.
Yep. I saw this one too: Martha's husband was cremated when he passed. Picking up the urn, she poured him out on the patio table. Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him. "You know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!" "Remember that car you promised me? Well, I bought it with the insurance money!" "Remember that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, insurance money!" Finally, she said, "Remember that blow job I promised you?" "Here it comes!"
America...My Kind Of Place... "I truly am not that concerned about [bin Laden]..." "THE MILITIA IS COMING!!! THE MILITIA IS COMING!!!" I lurk to see if someone other than Myst or Pookie posts anything...
Good one!
A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says,"Yeah. I was a salesman back in North Dakota." Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today? The kid says, "One". The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?" The kid says, "$101,237.65". The boss says, "$101,237.65?" What the heck did you sell?" The kid says,"First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition." The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?" The kid said, "No the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot - you should go fishing'."
HA
America...My Kind Of Place... "I truly am not that concerned about [bin Laden]..." "THE MILITIA IS COMING!!! THE MILITIA IS COMING!!!" I lurk to see if someone other than Myst or Pookie posts anything...
A couple just got married and on the night of their honeymoon before passionate love, the wife tells the husband, "Please be gentile, I'm still a virgin." The husband being shocked, replied, "How's this possible? You've been married three times before." The wife responds, "Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was ... oh, do I miss him!"
------------------------------------- A man and a woman are sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane. The woman sneezes, takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose, and shudders quite violently in her seat. The man isn’t sure why she is shuddering and goes back to reading. A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat. The man is becoming more and more curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders violently again. The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the woman and says, "Three times you’ve sneezed and three times you’ve taken a tissue and wiped your nose then shuddered violently! Are you sending me signals, or are you going crazy?" The woman replies, "I’m sorry if I disturbed you. I have a rare condition and when I sneeze, I have an orgasm." The man, now feeling a little embarrassed but even more curious says, "I’ve never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?" The woman looks at him and says, "Pepper."
------------------------------------- A man escapes from a prison where he had been kept for 15 years. As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it, looking for money and guns, but only finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him up in a chair. While tying the girl up to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom. While he’s in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain, just do what he tells you, just give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he’ll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey, I love you, too."
------------------------------------- A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotch less panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life. She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband. At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs ... enough times till her husband says... "Are you wearing crotch less panties?" "Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile. "Thank God for that... I thought you were sitting on the cat.
When asked by a Liberal what I bought my Granddaughter for her 1st birthday I replied, "MORE AMMUNITION"!!!! -----------------------------"People sleep peaceably in their beds at night only because rough men stand ready to do violence on their behalf."
That one cracked me up.
Your jokes are as old as my crusty under gauchies.
I googled 'dirty jokes' and laughed, whatdaya want? Lol
------------------------------------- Guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. After the game, he asked her how she liked it. I really liked it, she replied, "especially the tight pants and the big muscles, but I don't get why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" They flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like, hello? It's only 25 cents
Little Johnny is sitting in biology class, when his teacher states the fact that only humans stutter, and no other animal in the world does. Johnny raises his hand and says. "You're wrong, Miss Finch!" "Really, would you mind telling us why that is Johnny?," replies the teacher. "Well, Miss Finch, the other day I was playing with my cat on the porch. The neighbors' Rottweiler came around the corner, and my cat went "fffff! fffff! fffff!", and before he could say "Fuck!", the dog ate him!"
When asked by a Liberal what I bought my Granddaughter for her 1st birthday I replied, "MORE AMMUNITION"!!!! -----------------------------"People sleep peaceably in their beds at night only because rough men stand ready to do violence on their behalf."
A middle-aged woman is naked, happily jumping on her bed. Her husband walks in and asks: "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look?" She continues to bounce and says, "I don't care what you think. I had a mammogram and the Doctor says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18 year old." Her husband replies, "What did he say about your 55-year-old ass?" She replied: "Your name never came up"
The big-game hunter walked into the bar and bragged to everyone about his skills as a hunter. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that he could recognize any animal's skin by feeling it, and he could tell what caliber rifle was used to shoot it by locating the bullet hole. This was a bit too much for the other customers, and soon a heated argument started. The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and the bet was on. They blindfolded him and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced, "Springbok." Then he felt for the bullet hole and declared, "And it was shot with a .22 rifle." He was right! The others could not believe it and the argument was even hotter than before. When someone suggested that he must have peeped, he said that he was prepared to do it again for another round. So they blindfolded him again, very thoroughly this time, and they brought a skin that someone happened to have in the trunk of his car. He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Kalahari Lion." Fingering the bullet hole, he added, "The rifle was a .308." He was right again! This only made the crowd more curious, and he had to prove his skills over and over again, every time winning a round of drinks. Finally he staggered home, bombed out of his mind, and went to sleep. The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner. So he said to his wife, "Listen, I know I was drunk last night, but not too drunk to know that I didn't get into a fight. So where did I get this black eye?" His wife replied angrily, "From me!" "What did I do?" he asked. She replied, "You got into bed and put your hand inside my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and announced, 'Skunk, killed with an ax!'"
When asked by a Liberal what I bought my Granddaughter for her 1st birthday I replied, "MORE AMMUNITION"!!!! -----------------------------"People sleep peaceably in their beds at night only because rough men stand ready to do violence on their behalf."
Your #14 and #16 are hilarious! Thanks.
Sometimes, when I look at my chil dr en, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin..' - Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter) <><> I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.' - Eleanor Roosevelt <><> Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to with dr aw that statement.. - Mark Twain <><> The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible - George Burns <><> Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. - Victor Borge <><> Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. - Mark Twain <><> By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. - Socrates <><> I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. - Groucho Marx <><> My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. - Jimmy Durante <><> I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. - Zsa Zsa Gabor <><> Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. - Alex Levine <><> My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. - Rodney Dangerfield <><> Money can't buy you happiness .... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. - Spike Milligan <><> Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP . - Joe Namath <><> I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. - Bob Hope <><> I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.. - W. C. Fields <><> We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. - Will Rogers <><> Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you. - Winston Churchill <><> Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.. - Phyllis Diller <><> By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. - Billy Crystal
When asked by a Liberal what I bought my Granddaughter for her 1st birthday I replied, "MORE AMMUNITION"!!!! -----------------------------"People sleep peaceably in their beds at night only because rough men stand ready to do violence on their behalf."
- Groucho Marx I should have too! Funny stuff.
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".
When asked by a Liberal what I bought my Granddaughter for her 1st birthday I replied, "MORE AMMUNITION"!!!! -----------------------------"People sleep peaceably in their beds at night only because rough men stand ready to do violence on their behalf."
#2. To: Fred Mertz (#1)
--GW Bush
--Sarah Palin's version of "The Midnight Ride of Paul revere"
#3. To: war (#2)
#4. To: war (#2)
#5. To: Fred Mertz (#4)
--GW Bush
--Sarah Palin's version of "The Midnight Ride of Paul revere"
#6. To: Fred Mertz (#4)
Why don't you make like a tree and get out of here?
#7. To: Abu el banat (#6)
Why don't you make like a tree and get out of here?
#8. To: All (#7)
ok, last one
Why don't you make like a tree and get out of here?
#9. To: Biff Tannen (#8)
#10. To: CZ82 (#9)
#11. To: Biff Tannen (#8)
(Edited)
#12. To: Fred Mertz (#11)
Why don't you make like a tree and get out of here?
#13. To: CZ82 (#0)
#14. To: Fred, Biff, Murron (#0)
#15. To: CZ82 (#0)
Anything that the government does today to help us can and will be used in the future to hurt us -- jwpegler
#16. To: jwpegler (#15)
#17. To: CZ82 (#16)
#18. To: Fred Mertz (#17)
#19. To: CZ82 (#18)
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
#20. To: Fred Mertz (#19)
I should have too! Funny stuff.
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