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Opinions/Editorials Title: I've Come To The Conclusion That Facebook Is The Antichrist [[I'm really sort of only half-joking...]] So for a long while now, I’ve had this theory that facebook is the antichrist and/or the “mark of the beast.” Tonight, I decided to investigate my theory further, and what I have found may shock you. Prepare yourselves for the epiphany of a lifetime. First of all, my initial theory stemmed from the verse in Revelations that says the antichrist will require everyone to get the “mark of the beast”: He causes all, both small and great, rich and poor, free and slave, to receive a mark on their right hand or on their foreheads. [Revelations 13:16] Well, facebook is something pretty much EVERYONE has nowadays, right?! People small and great, rich and poor, etc. etc., we *all* have facebooks! Even the homeless people in SF have facebooks, they just go to the public library to use the computers. I would say facebook profile pictures are a pretty significant “mark,” aka means of distinction in today’s technology-infused society. And if you want to take it even further, most of us do show our foreheads in our profile pictures... [Hey, people have been twisting the bible to suit their own needs ever since, like, the beginning of time, so I'm gonna do it, too ;)] Then I also found this little beauty of a bible verse: And that no man might buy or sell, save he that had the Mark." [Revelation 13:18] Now most people are thinking these days that the Mark will be some sort of nano-chip or whatnot, but there is one Mark that is related directly to facebook, one Mark that no one but me is enough of a sick and twisted conspiracy theorist to have thought of. I speak, of course, of facebook founder Mark Zuckerburg. What if in the future no one will be able to buy or sell unless they have facebook, which was created by "the Mark"?!? DUN DUN DUNNNNNNN. I’m currently computing numerous, exhaustingly complicated algorithms in order to figure out how the words “Mark Zuckerburg”, “facebook”, “facebook.com”, “thefacebook”, or “facemash” (facebook’s original names) can be related back to the number 666. However, until I finish calculating my algorithms, I’m going to go through several characteristics of the antichrist and hopefully convince you all that facebook is the beast the world has been waiting for. 1. He comes from among ten kings in the restored Roman Empire; his authority will have similarities to the ancient Babylonians, Persians, and Greeks [Daniel 7:24; Rev 13:2 / Daniel 7:7]. Mark Zuckerburg didn’t create facebook on his own. According to Wikipedia, he had help from three other Harvard classmates. He was also sued by Cameron and Tyler Winklevoss (lol, Winklevoss) for “stealing their idea.” That makes 6. And I bet there were four more people involved that Wikipedia isn’t telling me about, because we all know that "Wikipedia is not a reliable, legitimate source" (at least, not according to teachers and college professors, minus Mr. Derksen), and that would make TEN founders, aka KINGS of facebook. Now, someone just tell me how the setup of facebook is similar to that of the ancient Babylonians, Persians, and Greeks, and we’re all set. 2. He will rise from obscurity…a “little horn” [Daniel 7:8] This totally works because of course there was a time when facebook was just an obscure little social networking site only meant for college students. (What an idyllic time that must have been…) 3. He will speak boastfully [Daniel 7:8; Rev 13:5] “Thanks to all of these efforts, our business is doing really well, and we’re on track to create a nice self-sustaining business, and because of this, a lot of companies and firms have approached us about investing in the company.” –Mark Zuckerburg, May 27th, 2009. Gawd, Mark, stop boasting about how your business is doing so well and all these different companies are all over you all the time, you antichrist!!! 4. He will blaspheme God, [Daniel 7:25; 11:36; Rev 13:5] slandering His Name, dwelling place, and departed Christians and Old Testament saints [Rev 13:6] CLICK HERE TO SEE FACEBOOK BLASPHEME GOD. 5. He will oppress the saints and be successful for 3 ½ years [Daniel 7:25; Rev 13:7] I don’t know about you, but I often feel pretty saint-like, AND I often feel oppressed by facebook. For example, today I tried to upload pictures from my trip to Golden Gate Park with Penny and Jacob. Did I succeed? NO, because frikin FACEBOOK was OPRESSING me with it’s FAILURE of a photo uploader!!! Also, depending on what year you consider was the start of facebook’s major success (I would say it was either 2006 or 2007. I guess one could make arguments for 2008 or 9 also, since those are the years when people on opposite ends of the age spectrum [aka old people and, like, sixth graders] started to join so that *everyone* had facebook) we have about six months to a year and a half to wait until facebook’s 3 ½ years of successfulness are up… And then it’s going down. (The apocalypse, I mean). 6. He will try to change the calendar, perhaps to define a new era, related to himself [Daniel 7:25] I have a sub-theory that in Hebrew the words for “calendar” and “interface” are really similar and the dude who translated the bible got them mixed up. If my sub-theory proves true, clicking here will show you how facebook has changed its interface over the years, thereby “defining new eras related to itself.” Really, I’d say that time in the last several years can easily be divided up into good eras (times when the facebook interface was perfectly fine and/or moderately acceptable) and bad eras (times when you wanted to smack a bitch because those mofos decided to eff up the interface again and you’re pretty sure they did it for no other reason to laugh at your confusion as you struggled to make sense of the new shizz they came up with). I’d say we just left a “bad” era and we’re now in a “good” era (despite the oppression we are all facing from the current photo uploader). 7. He will try to change the laws, perhaps to gain an advantage for his new kingdom and era [Dan 7:25] Whoa, this is so talking about all the drama that explodes all over the internet any time facebook tries to change up its TOS…!! 8. He will not be succeeded by another earthly ruler, but by Christ [Daniel 7:26-27] Once Jesus comes and tells us, “Hey biotches, I’m here to succeed facebook as the ruler of the earth!”… it is THEN that we shall know the TRUTH…! 9. He will confirm a covenant with “many”, i.e. the Jewish people [Daniel 9:27] Click here and here and here and here. 10. He will not answer to a higher earthly authority; “He will do as he pleases”[Daniel 11:36] Again with the TOS drama… 11. He will show no regard for the religion of his ancestors [Daniel 11:37] Well I did some research (aka google-ing) and discovered that the surname of Zuckerburg is of German origin, so all we have to do is wait for facebook to dis the Germans… OHWAITAMINUTE…click. 12. He will not believe in any god at all [except for himself] [Daniel 11:37] Click and click. 13. He will have "no regard for the desire of women": He will either be asexual or homosexual [Dan 11:37] As far as I know, facebook, as an inanimate object (object? It’s not even really tangible…), has no sex drive. 14. He will claim to be God [2 Thessalonians 2:4] See antichrist characteristic #12. 15. He will only honor a “god” of the military. His whole focus and attention will be on his military. He will conquer lands and distribute them [Daniel 11:39-44] Click? And click (also, Mark Zuckerburg does some more boasting in the article from that link, which brings us back to antichrist characteristic #5...!!). 16. His arrival on the world scene will be accompanied by miracles, signs and wonders [2 Thess 2:9] Yeah, I’d say the ability to stalk everyone in your life is a wondrous, modern-day miracle… 17. He will be worshipped by many people [Rev. 13:8] You might complain about it’s ever-changing interface, ever-changing TOS, and bastardly chat system, but admit it, you already basically worship facebook. How many hours a day do you devote to trolling your news feed? Yeah, that's what I thought. 18. He will hate a nation that initially will have some control over his kingdom, but he will destroy this nation [Rev 17:16-18] The fourth amendment of the constitution (and probably a few others, but I'm too lazy to go through the entire constitution at the moment) currently has some control over the kingdom of facebook. Ergo, I predict that, sometime in the near future, facebook will destroy the American government. 19. He will appear to survive a fatal injury [Rev. 13:3; 17:8] Down time and outages, anyone?? Click. 20. His name will be related to the number six hundred and sixty six—but not necessarily in an obvious fashion [Rev 13:17-18]. My algorithms are not fully complete yet, please be patient!!!!!!!!! 21. He will be empowered by the devil himself [Rev. 13:2]
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#1. To: A K A Stone (#0)
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I always felt the antichrist would be an American. In the "Left Behind" books the author made him Romanian for some odd reason and the Europeans the bad guys.
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