Latest Articles: Humor
Never squat with your spurs on and other wisdom
Post Date: 2020-09-23 06:51:55 by IbJensen
Never squat with your spurs on Will Rogers, who died in a 1935 plane crash, was one of the greatest political sages this country has ever known. Some of his sayings: 1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco. 2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day. 3. There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works. 4. Never miss a good chance to shut up. 5. Always drink upstream from the herd. 6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging. 7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back into your pocket. 8. There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence ...
Women Know Things That Men Don't.
Post Date: 2020-09-17 22:42:39 by Deckard
Applies To Seniors
Post Date: 2020-09-11 08:23:54 by IbJensen
1 Talk to yourself. There are times you need expert advice. 2 In Style are the clothes that still fit. 3 You dont need anger management. You need people to stop pi$$ing you off. 4 Your people skills are just fine. Its your tolerance for idiots that needs work. 5 The biggest lie you tell yourself is, I dont need to write that down. Ill remember it. 6 On time is when you get there. 7 Even duct tape cant fix stupid but it sure does muffle the sound. 8 It would be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes, then come out wrinkle-free and ...
Anonymous White House Source Claims Trump Punched A Baby
Post Date: 2020-09-08 02:27:32 by Deckard
WASHINGTON, D.C.An anonymous report from anonymous sources confirmed without a doubt that Trump has punched a baby directly in the face, completely unprovoked. According to the anonymous sources that are so anonymous they speak mainly through quiet whispers carried along on the north winds, Trump was in the Oval Office when he saw the innocent baby and ruthlessly assaulted him. "That baby, he looked at me funny," said Trump, according to 48 sources who wish to remain unidentified. "I know a funny look when I see one. What a dope! That baby looks like a complete and total loser. You want a piece of me, baby?" Secret witnesses who have not been ...
Portland Protest Molotov Cocktail Friendly Fire, but to the tune of Can Can
Post Date: 2020-09-06 12:24:54 by misterwhite
Butch, The Rooster.
Post Date: 2020-08-17 08:20:29 by IbJensen
Butch, The Rooster. Sarah was in the fertilized egg business. She had several hundred young pullets and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs. She kept records and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced. This took a lot of time, so she bought some tiny bells and attached them to her roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so she could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now, she could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells. Sarah's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen but, this morning she noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When she went to ...
Biden Campaign Says He Is So Close To A VP Pick He Can Smell Her
Post Date: 2020-08-08 11:20:19 by IbJensen
WASHINGTON, D.C.Democratic Presidential Nominee Joe Biden's campaign announced that he would be making his pick for Vice President soon, adding that the former Vice President had recently stated, "I'm so close I can smell her." Biden's staff says Joe has been pacing the halls of capitol buildings, congress, and the Senate sniffing the air like a starve-crazed bloodhound in search of the perfect female candidate. "He's huffing longer, deeper inhalations," said his campaign manager Greg Schultz. "That means he's getting really close." Biden's staff says at the rate he is sniffing, he'll definitely have a VP pick by the first ...
The “Wokest” Company In Silicon Valley
Post Date: 2020-08-05 03:55:10 by Deckard
A sketch released by comedian Ryan Long on Monday mocks Big Tech companies for their over-the-top virtue signaling and attempting to always have the right opinions. It turns out, social media companies care about the diversity of ethnicity, not diversity of thought.
Founding Fathers Strapped Down In Graves To Prevent Further Spinning
Post Date: 2020-08-01 04:44:09 by Deckard
U.S.In an attempt to tackle the unprecedented and growing phenomenon of historical figures spinning rapidly in their graves, federal officials have begun strapping down the Founding Fathers at several historical sites. It started slowly, back around 2016, explained National Park Director Larry Rozinsky. We noticed George Washingtons corpse had done a full 360. It was a bit odd but nothing unlike what wed seen a few times back in the sixties.But that was only the beginning. Over the next few years, the corpses of Thomas Jefferson, John Adams, and various other founding fathers began to rotate with increasing speed and frequency, reaching ...
Dr. Fauci Recommends Encasing Your Entire Body In Bubble Wrap To Protect Against Coronavirus
Post Date: 2020-08-01 04:41:07 by Deckard
WASHINGTON, D.C.At a press conference Wednesday, Dr. Fauci suggested that Americans cover their entire bodies in bubble wrap to protect against coronavirus. "Studies have shown that this is very effective at stopping the virus, germs, and the oxygen that carries these things," Fauci said. "You will no longer have to worry about death by coronavirus, though I'm just a medical doctor and can't speak to any other risk factors this may introduce."Of course, Dr. Fauci says that he and other Washington elites are exempt from the recommendation."I mean, other people should do that, not me," he said, chuckling. "I can go to a baseball game and stuff ...
'We Are Living In A Fascistic Nightmare!' Screams Rioter Given Free Rein To Do Anything He Pleases On Streets Of Portland For Weeks
Post Date: 2020-08-01 04:36:16 by Deckard
PORTLAND, ORSources indicate that a rioter, who had been given free rein by local authorities to do whatever he pleases on the streets of Portland for weeks, has been screaming at the top of his lungs for hours to get his message out that he believes we are all living in a fascistic nightmare. The man, who was wearing a spiked leather jacket replete with anarchist symbols and wielding a large, heavy brick, had been marching down the streets of Portland smashing windows, setting fires, and throwing fireworks at retreating police officers while screaming non-stop for hours about how repressed all of us are under a Cheeto Mussolini who wants to kill all trans people and ...
Brands that need to be cancelled IMMEDIATELY
Post Date: 2020-07-31 18:18:37 by Deckard
Why stop at Aunt Jemima and Uncle Bens?? Here are all the grocery store brands that need to be cancelled ASAP!!
10 Jokes From ‘Blazing Saddles’ That Would Never Make The Cut In 2014 (or in 2020)
Post Date: 2020-07-28 11:54:46 by Deckard
The classic Mel Brooks comedy Blazing Saddles was released 40 years ago, well before most of us were born, so when youre done reading this, you can call your dad and remind him just how old he really is. Todays so-called spoof directors could clearly learn a thing or 10,000 from one of the genres forefathers, Mel Brooks, because there isnt a hilarious joke idea in Aaron Seltzers or Jason Friedbergs brains that could still make people cry from laughter 40 years from now the same way that Excuse me while I whip this out still makes me smile like an asshole. Blazing Saddles is arguably Mels finest film, and I know that a lot of people will ...
Nevada Church Avoids Coronavirus Restrictions By Installing Slot Machines
Post Date: 2020-07-27 06:57:11 by Deckard
CARSON CITY, NVCalvary Chapel of the Desert was informed by the state that it was violating the state's strict restrictions on church gatherings. So, Pastor Chuck Carver figured out a clever way around the stringent requirements: he installed slot machines in the church, and now his church is able to do whatever it wants. "We put up the slot machines and bam -- no more restrictions," Carver said Sunday. "The authorities dispersed, and we pretty much get to do whatever we want. What happens in Calvary Chapel stays in Calvary Chapel."He then preached a solemn sermon in front of the blinking lights and blaring sirens from the slots. "Yeah, it looks kinda ...
Sports Fans To Continue 24-Year-Long Boycott Of WNBA
Post Date: 2020-07-27 06:46:47 by Deckard
U.S.WNBA players recently walked off the court during the national anthem. In response, the nation announced that it would continue its 24-year-long boycott of the WNBA. Sports fans, casual viewers, and basically everybody said they would continue not watching the WNBA or caring about anything they did."Listen, if they're going to disrespect the anthem, we're going to continue not watching the WNBA. Frankly, they could all dress up in star-spangled outfits and sing 'God Bless America,' and we'd still keep the boycott going," said one man in Iowa. "I'd want to support them morally at that point, but I don't know if I could bring myself ...
Conspiracy World Meets Comedy World – Chrissie Mayr / Jay Dyer
Post Date: 2020-07-27 01:39:14 by Deckard
Published On July 21, 2020 » 727 Views» By admin » Archives, Audio/mp3, Comedy, Comedy Videos, Culture, Esoteric/Speculation, Featured, Philosophy, Psychology/Sociology, The Jay Show, Video <span data-mce-type="bookmark" st*l*="display: inline-block; width: 0px; overflow: hidden; line-height: 0;" class="mce_SELRES_start">﻿</span> Comic Chrissie Mayr joins me to discuss the intersection of two worlds the world of comedy and conspiracy. Chrissie has recently interviewed some CTs as well as hopping on Sam Tripolis Tinfoil Hat with me and Isaac. Chrissie and I will discuss ...
Louisville protests descend into chaos when armed protester accidentally shoots members of his group, injuring 3
Post Date: 2020-07-27 01:06:01 by Deckard
Gunshots erupted during a planned protest in Louisville, Ky., Saturday and three members of the heavily armed militia group, the Not F---ing Around Coalition (NFAC), were injured by shots fired from one of their own member's guns, police told Fox News.BLACK ARMED MILITIA PLANNING LOUISVILLE MARCH CLAIMS IT'S 'NOT F---ING AROUNDThe shooting took place near Baxter Square Park around 1 p.m. and all of the victims were transported to the University of Louisville Hospital with non-life-threatening injuries, the Louisville Metro Police Department (LMPD) told Fox News.Protesters ducked behind cars and scattered to flee the area, a ...
If you laugh you lose BIGLY
Post Date: 2020-07-26 22:34:54 by Deckard
Husband Has No Idea If This Is A Fight Or Not
Post Date: 2020-07-26 02:18:19 by Deckard
COAL VALLEY, ILLocal man Matt O'Brien isnt quite sure whether or not he is currently in a fight with his wife. While he is doing just fine, his wife seems to have a chip on her shoulder for some reason. Or maybe she doesn't; OBrien isnt sure. "I cant think of a reason why she would be mad," O'Brien said. "But shes acting so strange. Maybe I forgot to feed the kids again, I really dont know. It could be anything.OBrien says everything was going great until this morning. He said he was thinking about hitting the golf course, and his wife clearly said, ...
Post Date: 2020-07-24 07:14:10 by Deckard
Posted on July 24, 2020 by Dr. Eowyn | 1 Comment ~Eowyn
FAUCI Throws Out First Pitch of MLB Season — Ball Social Distances Itself Far Away from Home Plate
Post Date: 2020-07-24 02:31:52 by Deckard
A dopey and masked Dr. Fauci finally flattened the curve...and the fastball. But not the stinker sinker.
Unidentified Suspect Seen Defacing NYC Mural To Read 'Orange Lives Matter'
Post Date: 2020-07-13 22:39:09 by Deckard
NEW YORK, NYThe NYPD announced it is investigating the hate crime of a man who graffitied over the city's sanctioned graffiti, changing the previous Black Lives Matter slogan to read "ORANGE" Lives Matter. The unknown vandal snuck out to the street in the middle of the night and scrubbed the word "BLACK" off the mural, painting over it with the word "ORANGE.""Our suspect looks to be about 6'3", 243 pounds, with orange hair and matching skin," said an NYPD detective at a press conference this morning. "We don't know who this man could be, but if anyone has any information, please come forward. We were trying to own the ...
Genius Trump Wears Mask Causing Media To Question Effectiveness Of Masks
Post Date: 2020-07-13 22:25:11 by Deckard
BETHESDA, MDPresident Trump really is playing 11D Settlers of Catan while the rest of us are playing 2D Tiddlywinks. Wanting the nation to begin questioning the effectiveness of masks at stopping the spread of coronavirus, Trump put on a mask during a visit to a medical center, causing the media to investigate whether or not masks really work. Liberals everywhere were seen burning their masks and running around licking doorknobs to own Trump."Yes, masks seem to be effective at first blush, but do they really work?" said a CNN anchor. "The bad orange man is wearing a mask, so we have to wonder: do they really stop the coronavirus? What is it that he is hiding behind ...
Cartoons for the Age of Wokeness: Social Justice Warriors
Post Date: 2020-07-11 22:43:31 by Deckard
Old-fashioned cartoons are problematic. For example, Looney Tunes used to feature firearms in the hands of law-abiding citizens like Elmer Fudd, an obvious thought crime. Rather than try to shoehorn the old cartoons into the current political orthodoxy like HBO Max, why not just delete them, as is currently done with television programs that cast police officers in a favorable light? Everything that came before right this minute is probably racist. Kids should be watching new cartoons that comply with the times, like Social Justice Warriors: On a tip from Henry B.
Â‘He Should Wear CuffsÂ’: Netizens React to Dick CheneyÂ’s Advice on Wearing Masks
Post Date: 2020-06-27 16:39:09 by Deckard
Former Vice President of the United States Dick Cheney started trending on Twitter after his daughter Liz Cheney uploaded a photo of him wearing a mask. Liz Cheney, who is a GOP representative from Wyoming, captioned the post with the sentence: Dick Cheney says WEAR A MASK along with the hashtag #realmenwearmasks.Dick Cheney says WEAR A MASK. #realmenwearmasks pic.twitter.com/iBfVoa7ypL Liz Cheney (@Liz_Cheney) June 26, 2020 The Cheneys concern for the health of their compatriots backfired, however. The post received almost 13,000 comments, most of which were highly negative. First users spoke about the former vice presidents push for the invasion of ...
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